AwesomenessAcquired

Women hear lines all the time. We view them…unfavorably. It doesn’t matter what the line is. They almost always come off as cheesy at best…or, at worst, make the speaker sound like a neandrathalic perv that you don’t even want to let buy you a drink, let alone drive you home.

I’m new in town…can you give me directions to your apartment?

Many roll their eyes at the cheesiness, women like me tend to respond with something cutting…Sure, head west from here and take a right on hell street, because that’s where I really think you should go…But really, we should be grateful. A line like that may be silly, but compared to some stories it’s harmless. Cosmo has a section devoted to stories to make you feel better about guys that deliver pickup lines like that. I always used to read that section in Cosmo about the dating horror stories and laugh in appreciation of the creativity of whoever they were paying to write the stories. I mean, there was no way that was real, they were always too legendary…something akin to alligators in the sewers.

Then I started dating. Had a few that were pretty much right out of that column. Had a few that put that column to shame, in fact. Somehow, I always thought something that legendary would be less disappointing. At least now I can submit my entry to the contest for worst line ever used. Nevermind that it was used by a guy that I was already on a date with. He was still dropping them right and left, even though I’d already agreed to a date…and the one worth mentioning opened with my favorite, I have a story to tell you…

“I was supposed to be in the book of Guinness World Records once, but it fell off before I could find their contact info.”

I now refer to him, when telling this story, as Nipple Hair.

…I know, right?!?

I haven’t really been able to look back on my time in the dating world with rose colored glasses because, apparently, Nipple Hairs are way more common than Awesome. Every time I look back it just serves to remind me of how lucky I was to find the guy I did. Even though he totally would have asked me for directions back to my (nonexistent)apartment the night we met….

Australia has a problem. So do boy and I, but our “problem” is way cooler…Australias problem is caused by an uptight old man who thinks that if he doesn’t like something no one should have it…Despite being someone who looks quite like an adult, and, based on online photographs, appears to be man sized, he has been able to hide his hypocrisy behind “The Children”.

“For the children” is an excuse that seems to be trotted out to perform a distracting song and dance more often than the Van Trapp family and their nanny. For some reason, even if “The Children” are prohibited from coming in contact with controlled substances without adult assistance like alcohol, porn, weed, or, in Australia, video games, the very legalization of these things and the fact that other slightly less irresponsible people who are old enough to handle it somehow will cause them all to drop out of school shoot up and have heaps and heaps of welfare babies. (Please note: imagery brought on by the term “heaps of babies” was totally intentional)

In case you don’t live under a rock so big they refer to it as “Earth” you should know that Australia has banned games that are rated M. The logic, according to Rob Clark, is that the more “inappropriate material” that is sold, the easier it is for children to get their hands on it. This is actually true…you see it would allow parents to buy such games for their soon to be jaded spawn. However, that is the right of the parent. Any time a government tries to apply moral rules based on the concept that one size fits all problems ensue. It’s the reason why you can’t legislate religion, telling one that it can’t do something because another one thinks it’s icky is in fact encroaching on the religious freedom of the first.

This issue is partially dear to our hearts because we’re video game addicts(see? Our problem=way cooler) and partially because we hate stupid people. Stupid people that somehow got to a place where they can impose rules on the rest of us even if everyone else violently hates those rules. If you really think about it this guy is like a less intelligent and more judgey pope. And last I checked, when asked what area the pope could improve 90% of the worlds population responded with “That damned overbundance of judgeyness”.** So, from me to you Rob Clark, a bit of advice. Quite ignoring your constituents, pull your head out and stop insisting that everyone live the way you want.*

*this doesn’t mean they should live the way I want…they should have the ability to choose. But really, who doesn’t want to be able to do this even if only in an imaginary world on their tv? Eh? Eh?

**Not based on any actual survey…but hey, his numbers aren’t based on science, and he’s actually trying to make a law out of it…so we’re even.

CoPrisoner- I’ve gotta drive home, pick up my wife and bring her back into town.

Me- Ugh, all that driving does not sound fun. Do you at least have an audio book or something?

CoPrisoner- Well, when she’s in the car I’ll just talk to her.

Me- True…but…

CoPrisoner- And when she’s not in the car I’ll just talk to myself. I’m really good at conversations.

Me- Well, and it’s so much easier when you don’t get any of that lip from the other person.

CoPrisoner- Sometimes you still do and that’s how you know you’ve really got problems…

My coworkers are awesome…

Me: But he was actually really nice about it.

Boy: Yeah, because he feared our wrath!

Me: Yeah, that’s it….but at least h-

Boy: It totally is.

Me: Mmm…yeah I highly doubt some random guy on the internet that has never met you is that afraid of you.

Boy: But he is.

Me: Yeah that’s totally it…Anyway when I emai-

Boy: It totally is.

Me: You’re gonna feel my wrath in a minute if you don’t let me tell my damn story!

Boy: Pffft…your wrath, fear my wrath!

Me: Baby. My wrath can eat your wrath for breakfast. My wrath thinks your wrath is the best box of  fruity pebbles ever. So you best be watchin yourself while I tell my story!

…And now I don’t remember the story. He does this on purpose. I swear…and not like that crazy hobo in the park swears the squirrels are taunting him, this is real.

Cupcakes and love...

Boy is learning a very important lesson about me right now. I’m a control freak, which he knew…he’s not entirely delusional. However I don’t think he ever knew the extent to which this affects my life. Moving out isn’t simply bringing my things over and keepin on keepin on with what’s currently at this house. The very idea of that makes me shudder because his place? Currently a bachelor pad to the max.

He loves when I cook, but it almost never happens here. Why? Because steak requires things that are unheard of in his pantry, like garlic, or pepper. I also need things called “pots” and “pans” that are big enough to cook food for more than one person. Another idea that is entirely alien to him and this house.

I come from a family of foodies. So to me, a TV, bed and dresser are all important things, but how could I live in a house that doesn’t have trivets or paring knives? Or a muffin tin? He doesn’t have a muffin tin! How can you not have a muffin tin? This house is cupcakeless and I just don’t see how you can call a place with no cupcakes home.

We ended up agreeing on picking an apartment that we would have to ourselves and moving in together in six months. This gives me time to put together a kitchen and take care of a few other little things, but to me the kitchen is the big milestone. There are other miscellaneous things that we’ll be getting, like laundry supplies, but I’m mostly excited for the kitchen bits.

I’ve even put together the beginnings of a project plan to make sure that things don’t get missed, or at least that we miss as few things as possible. The most important part of this plan is a list of all the items we need for the house in order for it to be something we can make into a home like the one my mother made for me. It’s silly, because I know that things don’t make a home, but when I think of home I think of sitting around the kitchen chatting while my mother cooked, I remember making crepes on a Sunday morning, I remember the good times and food of my childhood and I can’t imagine not sharing that with the man that’s going to be with me for the rest of my life. And to do that I need certain basics.

I’ve inserted my starter sheet at the end of this post, and I’ll continue updating it as we go along, because I could not find a simple editable movin out list anywhere else. It’s an excel spreadsheet that calculates the total and separates the items into a few basic categories. The nice thing is that it sums things for you and lets you know the total cost for all the items you want as well as how far along you are item and money wise. It’s staggering and makes the whole moving out deal feel all loomy, but I just keep reminding myself that we have five months, and then I’m suddenly less pissed that plastic laundry baskets are twenty bucks a piece…

Download the Spreadsheet Here!

Boy realized this week that he had an unused Macys gift card in his wallet. So he let me go crazy with it buying new things for when we move out. He’s usually pretty well behaved for about the first fifteen minutes in a store, but after that…well, I’m lucky if we aren’t escorted out for playing hide and seek with each other. Gotta love two crazies finding each other, in life, love and the baking goods aisle.

While in Macys we picked up a couple of bulky items…one of which was a toaster oven I wanted after being in the store for about two minutes. I had him pick it up and then spotted a clerk.(btw, they are having a huge home sale, so if you’re moving out it might be a good idea to stock up on some of your nicer essentials there right now…)

Me: Excuse me, is there anyway we could leave this at the counter while we finish shopping?

Macys Gal: Sure! Not a problem…

Me: Thanks, he’s usually much better behaved when he’s holding something, but we’re gonna be here for a little bit and I don’t want him to have to carry it the whole time…

Macys Gal:(chuckling) No problem, I’ll just take that for you…

Approx 5 minutes later…

I turn to see him doing his best Godzilla walk towards me, two silicone pan grabbers on his hands like mittens, snapping at me.

Like this, but twenty years older and with more silicone grabbiness...

Boy: Rawr! I, potholderzilla, will destroy your baked goods! RAAAAWWWRRR!

Me: Sweet, they have them in red!

Macys Gal: Are you sure you don’t want him to take the toaster oven back?

Me: Oh honey….this is nothing….The toaster oven was breakable, at least with these he can’t actually do any damage.

Boy: That’s what you think….

I’m still waiting on the scheme to take over the world using silicone pan grabbers. I think he’s going to surprise me, and personally, I’m really looking forward to the keys to my very own Australia. And, as the new dictator of Australia my first act? Adding that NC-17 video game rating. People would protest less if they were allowed to get stabby in video games because of me.

So recently we came down with the most godawful gumbo you’ve ever seen. The kindof gumbo you here about people getting when they go on safari and malarisquitos eat them alive or they forget that ice melts and drink the water in Mexico. I even missed work, and like a crazy person I LOVE work(partially because my job is, generally, fantastic with a side of easy but you know…)

Anywho, I don’t remember any exotic trips, and that kinda pisses me off, because if I have to suffer through aches, chills, upset stomach, sore throat, cough, feverish delusions of my house being a palace, runny nose and stuffed up ears I should at least get a great story to tell like having been poisoned by some unheard jellyfish that just showed up off the coast of Hawaii for the purpose of making me miserable. Incidentally, Hawaii is where the boys parents where at the time, and I think if they had just taken us with them, he and I wouldn’t have gotten contaminated. Which I think is a totally legit reason to forget bringing things like clothes and just stuffing us in their oversized suitcases instead.

This thing came in phases, fortunately I didn’t have all the symptoms at full power all the time…and it was on day three that I discovered the magic of theraflu. This was the day of pain everything hurt, through this pain I discovered body parts I didn’t even know about. My sinuses were extra cloggy, to the point that the vibrations of my own voice made me cry. The worst part though, had to have been the ears. You know how it feels when your ears need to pop, but you haven’t quite driven high enough up into the mountains to make them yet? That pressure had been building for three days. I was actually scared to yawn at this point because all I could picture was my ears exploding when I did. I’d broken down and done the Dayquil thing to no avail for any symptom…This was instead the night that I discovered Theraflu.

After heating it up and dumping enough sugar in to keep a three year old up for days I downed it. And Oh My Lord.  After about five minutes I could breathe through my nose, and that made this medicine the greatest scientific achievement of the last thirty years. Which, sounds silly now, but in that moment? I was heady. I don’t know if you’ve ever had your sinuses drain and your ears pop and unplug in a matter of moments, but it is the weirdest feeling ever. I actually got dizzy, but in a good buzzy way. And most importantly…I. Could. Hear. It was like someone had unscrewed the cap of my ears and they had deflated. It was heaven.

Boy was immediately called so I could share the magic with him, because I’d accidentally contaminated him at some point. I don’t think he understood much of that phone call, because amazing though it may be I was still pretty delusional, and while he’s used to my particular brand of crazy, fevered ravings were still new to him. Once I’d convinced him that I hadn’t been dumb enough to drink while sick we managed to settle on what should be Theraflus new slogan- Theraflu, like beer, but for sick people.

-Side note, this is NOT a paid post, I have not been compensated in any way, and I don’t own Theraflu or any of it’s brands.

Cheesey as this is we’re currently setting things up and should have content and a real live page design soon. Please bear with us!