Women hear lines all the time. We view them…unfavorably. It doesn’t matter what the line is. They almost always come off as cheesy at best…or, at worst, make the speaker sound like a neandrathalic perv that you don’t even want to let buy you a drink, let alone drive you home.
I’m new in town…can you give me directions to your apartment?
Many roll their eyes at the cheesiness, women like me tend to respond with something cutting…Sure, head west from here and take a right on hell street, because that’s where I really think you should go…But really, we should be grateful. A line like that may be silly, but compared to some stories it’s harmless. Cosmo has a section devoted to stories to make you feel better about guys that deliver pickup lines like that. I always used to read that section in Cosmo about the dating horror stories and laugh in appreciation of the creativity of whoever they were paying to write the stories. I mean, there was no way that was real, they were always too legendary…something akin to alligators in the sewers.
Then I started dating. Had a few that were pretty much right out of that column. Had a few that put that column to shame, in fact. Somehow, I always thought something that legendary would be less disappointing. At least now I can submit my entry to the contest for worst line ever used. Nevermind that it was used by a guy that I was already on a date with. He was still dropping them right and left, even though I’d already agreed to a date…and the one worth mentioning opened with my favorite, I have a story to tell you…
“I was supposed to be in the book of Guinness World Records once, but it fell off before I could find their contact info.”
I now refer to him, when telling this story, as Nipple Hair.
…I know, right?!?
I haven’t really been able to look back on my time in the dating world with rose colored glasses because, apparently, Nipple Hairs are way more common than Awesome. Every time I look back it just serves to remind me of how lucky I was to find the guy I did. Even though he totally would have asked me for directions back to my (nonexistent)apartment the night we met….